Infertility Etiquette

Many of the readers of my blog are facing or have faced infertility issues. I found this article on www.resolve.org. I thought it put into perfect words how I and many other women feel about facing infertility issues.

The etiquette question that I like the best is the one about "Not pushing adoption(yet)" Right now I have many friends that have or are in the process of adopting. I think that is fabulous. I have bought baby gifts and attended showers for these precious additions. I have been to fundraisers and sent support to friends in the process of adoption. So I definitely support adoption! I just don't feel like that is a path in which God is leading our family down. After enduring infertility treatments (that made me crazy, my hair fall out and my skin to breakout) and because of all the trials that we have and continue to face because our daugther was born so premature, I just don't have it in me.

I believe, (and Scripture backs me up), that God is the giver of life. In His wisdom, power and graciousness, He gave my husband and I our miracle little girl. In the same sense, if God is His infinite power, grace and mercy TELLS US to adopt, then I will obey. Oh yeah, and I have read and know all about James 1:27 and it says to "look after orphans and widows"! This means to take care of orphans (and widows), and I believe you can do that in ways that may or may not include adoption.

Before you read this, I do want to say that I have such a fabulous family and amazing friends that have supported me on my good days and my bad days (even when I did the ugly cry) in dealing with my own infertility issues. Many of my friends have been blessed with two, three, four and even five children. I appreciate so very much that they have followed the "rules" when it comes to infertility etiquette. I just wish random strangers, would do the same!


Infertility Etiquette

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

Don't Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

STOP, THINK, LISTEN and OBEY!

My precious preemie princess is now two and a fourth. When she was a mere two pounds and fighting to live in the NICU, I loved her fighting, spunky strong will. Now that she is a two year old that stomps her feet, crumples to the ground and throws a tantrum when she is told no I am not enjoying the strong will as much! I have read “The Strong Willed Child”, “Dare To Discipline”, “Bringing Up Girls” and now I am re-reading “Shepherding a Child’s Heart”. In going through, reading and studying these books, I have tried to put their methods into practice. I desire to teach my daughter to love the Lord, love the scriptures and have a desire to love others.


While I was growing up, the verse that was a big hit in our household was Exodus 20:12“Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.” Now as a mother I want to instill the same principle into my daughter’s life. In trying to find a method and mantra that my daughter would respond to, I took a look back at my own life. I pulled out, and dusted off a skill I have not used in a while…CHEERLEADING! Here it is: STOP (put hand out in a stop motion), THINK (put pointer fingers on each side of your head, on the temples), LISTEN (cup hands on both ears), and OBEY (put hands on hips).

Here are some scriptures that go along with the
“STOP, THINK, LISTEN and OBEY cheer.

Stop:

Isaiah 1:16
Wash and make yourselves clean. Take your evil deeds out of my sight; stop doing wrong.

1 Corinthians 15:34
Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning;


Think:

Proverbs 21:2
A person may think their own ways are right, but the LORD weighs the heart.

Romans 13:14
Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh.

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.


Listen:

Psalm 85:8
I will listen to what God the LORD says; he promises peace to his people, his faithful servants

Proverbs 1:8
Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.

Proverbs 8:33
Listen to my instruction and be wise; do not disregard it.


Obey:

Ephesians 6:1
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.

Colossians 3:20
Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.

Psalm 119:34
Give me understanding, so that I may keep your law and obey it with all my heart.

Trying to be Transparent

In many blogs I read, I see children and parents living out picture perfect lives. I have also found myself only posting pictures and stories showing my daughter being precious. It would be easy for someone to read my blog and feel that my life was problem free and but that would be a misrepresentation of reality. So in trying to always live a transparent, genuine and authentic life, I want to be a little vulnerable in this post. In doing so, I hope it will free other mom bloggers to show flaws...even in blog land.

Many of you who have followed our family's journey, know that my sweet Ava decided to enter into the world a little early and in a dramatic fashion. This early entrance was not necessarily her doing, but that whole story is for another post! Due to her being born a little too early, we have had to face some "bumps" in the road the last two years and three months. At every developmental stage crawling, walking, eating, and now talking we have had to work just a little bit harder. Now that she is over two, and is still a little delayed in speech, we have decided to ask for some more professional assistance. Ava has begun going to speech one day a week. She goes to the Pediatric Therapy Clinic and has an amazing therapist, Somer working with her each week. In just two visits I can already see Ava improving in her talking and communication.

I am so thankful that God has placed such a wonderful facility and people in Ava's life. A verse that keeps coming to my mind as I struggle with feeling insecure in telling others about Ava's delays is 1st Corinthians 1:27 "But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong." I am excited to see what amazing things God is going to accomplish in and through Ava's life! In fact, I can not wait for the day when one of her teachers at school sends home a note that tells me that Ava needs to talk less in class. It just might get framed!

Blessings in Disguise!

This past weekend I had the privilege of going on a women's retreat with my "home church". The church I grew up in and has been and continue to be a spiritual nest in my life. It was such a blessing and a treat to be able to go on the retreat with my mom, sister in law and some of my very best friends. This is my third or fourth year (I think), of making the retreat a tradition in my life. I love going on the retreat because it is sort of like a "homecoming" for me. So many of the ladies on the retreat have been like extra moms and mentors to me through out my life.

Our speaker and worship leader for the retreat was Laura Story...INCREDIBLE!! She is an amazing worship leader, song writer and just the real deal. During the weekend she shared a song off of her new album, called "Blessings". When she started singing the song, my first thought was "this is new...I wonder if I will like it". Then after about three lines of the song, I was a HOT, MESS!! I had make up and mascara running down my face. As my tears flowed down my face, I was just reminded of the tests and trials that I have faced in the last few year. But in my soul I cried out, that I would not change a thing because my faith and my thirst to know Christ has been changed through these trying times.

The song made me think back to 2004, when we had prayed and prayed for healing for my nephew and God chose to heal him in Heaven. I remember falling to my knees outside of the hospital room and telling God that "I was done!". In the moment, God's still small voice said, "FINALLY, I WILL take it from here!". So from that moment, I felt as if I was starting over with my faith walk. Step by, step by step, day by day, my faith began to grow and mature, based not on how I felt or what my circumstances were but on WHO GOD IS!!

As the song played on I also began to think about the two years my husband, my family, friends and I endured as I worked and waited to become a mommy. I can remember many sleepless night and tear-filled days of waiting and wondering, when was it going to be my turn. When I look back at those days, even though they were testing, trying and full of tantrums and tears, I would not trade them. The reason is, because through those times, I have never felt closer or more in tuned with my Heavenly Father. Each step I took, each negative pregnancy test, through countless needle prickes and body probing, I felt God's hand on my heart.

My favorite line of the song is, "What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satify"! The reason I love this line, is because it finally but in to words, how my relationsip with my Lord and Savior has changed and grown through the tests and trials. Was going through and continuing to go through trials fun...Absolutely not. Yet, the lessons learned and the closeness I have now with my family, my friends and most importantly with my Heavenly Father would not be here if not for those challenges...for those blessings in disguise!!

Laura Story - "Blessings" Lyrics
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
But long that we'd have the faith to believe

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home, is not our home

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

I Don't Have Enough Time!

Last week I was the guest blogger on www.househoncho.com


I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH TIME!
Read Ecclesiastes 3: 1-11

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens . . . He has made everything beautiful in its time.

When I was in the 3rd grade, I participated in the most important event in my young life, the Mitchell Road Elementary Talent show. I walked up boldly onto the newly waxed, wood stage in my lavender overalls. When I got to the microphone I belted out, “In His time, in His time, He makes all things beautiful in His time!"

I never would have thought that more than twenty years later, I would be using that song as the inspiration for my housekeeping. The song, “In His Time,” is taken from Ecclesiastes 3:11. In the verse we see that God makes all things, our lives, beautiful in His time. We can use this verse as inspiration in making our homes, families, schedules and daily chores beautiful all in the right time.

Just as God is a God of order and time, we as followers of Him, should also be orderly and use our time wisely. Below I have listed the schedule that I use, and I hope that you will find it useful.

Monday: Laundry, Make Grocery List, Clean Kitchen
Tuesday: Dust and Vacuum House, Go grocery shopping
Wednesday: Clean Bathrooms
Thursday: Vacuum and Mop house, Laundry day again
Friday: Dust blinds, baseboards and chairrailing

Do not be intimidated or frustrated by the schedule. It is just a guide, a road map that you can use on your journey to have an orderly home.

Mephibosheth

2nd Samuel 9:12
“And Mephibosheth lived in Jerusalem, because he always ate at the king’s table; he was lame in both feet.”


Why can’t I be in the red group for math? Those were the words I said through tears to my 4th grade teacher when she moved me away from my friends and into the low math group. Her answer, “It doesn’t matter what math group you are in. You won’t graduate from high school anyways!”...Me


Those words stung my heart and started me down a path of believing the life that I was not “good enough”. I was taught that God loved me and had an amazing plan for my life, but I really did not believe it. Then I read about the story of a man with a very funny name, Mephibosheth. Mephibosheth (say that three times fast!), was lame in both feet, handicapped, a burden. During his life he had to face many challenges, heartache and difficulties. Yet, he did not realize that the king of Israel was about to bless his life. King David, was the most powerful man in all of Israel, but he went out of his way to bless someone that others viewed as unworthy. Our King of kings, our great Lord almighty desires to do the same with our lives.


Have you ever been told that you were too fat, too skinny, to short, too tall, too young, too old. You may be, dealing with a handicap, the loss of a child, divorced, singleness, unable to have children, without a job or living with regret over past mistakes. We all face challenges and difficulties in our lives that make us feel unworthy to serve the Lord. We feel that there is no way that God could possibly use us, because the things that we cannot do for Him. But do we ever stop and think about the things that we can do for God. God does not look at our outsides, our limitations of our failures. He looks at His perfect creation (that’s you and me), and says, “I can use you, I want to use you”. Live in this truth and do not let anyone or anything stand in your way of serving our great King of kings and Lord of Lords!

Rachel

Seriously! Seriously! She is pregnant AGAIN!! How many times can one person get pregnant. Why God, Why! All I want it one child. I am not asking to have a litter of children like Leah and the rest of the ladies around here...but is one child too much to ask. It seems like every time I turn around we are having another baby shower for Leah. How many baby gifts do I have to make or buy from the market before it will be my turn to be a mother. I know Jacob says he loves me, but I see the disappointment in his eyes as year after year goes by without me giving him a child. What do I have to do for it to be my turn?

Read Genesis 29-30


Rachel longed for a child. She sat sadly and helplessly as her sister Leah had child, after child. Not only were Rachel and Leah sisters, but they were also both married to the same man, Jacob. Now don't be freaked out or think this is an episode of "Sister Wives", because that was the accepted practice in the Jewish culture in the Old Testament. Leah was Rachel's older sister. Since Jacob loved Rachel and wanted to marry Rachel, he had to marry Leah first in order to keep with Jewish culture. Rachel may have had the undying love of Jacob but what she really wanted was to be a mother like her older sister. After enduring many, many years of longing for a child, Rachel's prayers were finally answered and she gave birth to a son Joseph, and what a mighty man he turned out to be! If you want to read more about Joseph's life, Read from Genesis 39 to the end of the book.


Do you or are you feeling like Rachel? You may be feeling that everyone around you are just checking off their life goals and you are waiting to put down the first check mark. Are you single waiting for your spouse? Are you a wife waiting to become a mother? Or are you a mother of one who is feeling the pressure to expand you brood? The world and sometimes even the church define a “complete Christian” as one who is married and has two to three children. A woman that is single or childless or maybe just has one child, is many times made to feel that she is an incomplete Christian. It is the desire of most Christian women to be a wife and a mother, but that is not always God’s plan for their lives. The message that needs to be said loud and clear is simple. The Church and those in “Christian land” need not to dim the light of God’s amazing plan for these ladies’ lives by making them feel inadequate.